Q and Gay: My ex-boyfriend wants me to be a groomsman at his wedding. Should I attend?
Q and Gay is a bi-weekly column by The Pinoy Babbler that attempts to provide a fresh perspective on the personal struggles and internal battles of the members of the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender (LGBT) community. The journey of an LGBT person is riddled with unanswered questions and unheard sentiments. Got a question? Send them to [email protected].
Hi! I’m The Pinoy Babbler. I have a lot to say. I am by no means an expert in these issues, but I live through them everyday. What I can share are my experiences and the experiences I’ve learned from those around me. I accepted that I was gay when I was in college. My mom knows. My dad has not asked me yet, although I think he already knows. I have a partner and we’ve been together for more than three years. And in my daily relationship with the people in my life, I have encountered situations that the LGBT community faces all the time.
Ready? Welcome to Q and Gay!
My ex’s groomsman
Call me Mr. Badly Wanting To Move On, 25, gay.
I’ve never been in a serious relationship although I’ve had my share of flings and random hook-ups. Until David (not his real name, of course) came to my life two years ago. We were doing everything that a normal couple does – without the label. He introduced me to his friends as his “best friend.” My set of friends never failed to remind me that I was just bracing myself for a major heartbreak. Oh boy, were they right. Late last year, David stopped communicating with me all of a sudden. Text, Facebook messages, phone calls – all unanswered. I had a hunch about what was happening. More than a week after he went MIA on me, he posted a photo of him with a girl. The rest as they say, was tragic history. Fast forward to August this year, he messaged me out of the blue, asking how I was. I answered, trying my best not to sound so desperately happy to talk to him again. Before we said our good nights, he asked a question that crumbled whatever resolve I had that I was ready to move on. He is getting married with THE girl later this December. And he wants me to be one of his groomsmen. Should I attend the wedding? What if the girl finds out who I was?
Dear Mr. Badly Wanting to Move On,
The questions you have are all very valid. It is indeed a tricky situation. The answer to this scenario can be traced back to your current emotional state. If you are confident enough to handle seeing David get married without you causing a scene, then by all means, attend. Maybe seeing David so happy with someone else is the closure you need after all.
But if you still have hopes of getting back with David, attending the wedding will be emotional torture, which is not a bad thing either. It can still lead to closure, just in a painful way. And if you’re still okay with that idea, make sure you bring a pack of tissue with you and have a friend with a car waiting outside ready to take you home, just in case you need to do a runaway groomsman scene.
As for the girl finding out about David’s past, that is David’s problem, and that is something that should be between them. If David wants to reveal it, it’ll be on his own terms. What you should focus on is how to move forward with this episode in your life. David has clearly moved on. It’s time you do the same.
Finding love in a Grindr-filled world
Grindr here and Jack’d there (gay social apps), it’s like I’m looking for love in the wrong places. In this age of internet-fueled, hormone-raged, casual/NSA sex, gay Metro Manila world that I live in, where or how can I find an authentic relationship if I’m not into those mindless sex encounters?
– Not so Jack’d
While Grindr, Jack’d, Tinder and all those social apps have been getting the reputation of being more about sex rather than dating, you should not also discount them as avenues for potentially meeting someone who, like you, wants to be in a serious relationship. What you need to do is be really detailed in your profile about what you want and be careful with who you talk to.
You should also be on the lookout for speed dating events. I haven’t heard of one lately, but that was how my partner and I met almost four years ago. It sounds far-fetched, and most people who ask us how we met have a hard time believing that we were able to find a serious relationship through speed dating. It feels like a perfect Star Cinema movie premise, no? But it just proves that Rihanna was right about love and hopeless places, and you need to keep an open mind about it.
But if I’m reading your tone right, you’re feeling kind of hopeless because of the world you live in. You need to focus your time and effort on improving yourself, exploring, learning new things, and you’re bound to find someone you like (and likes you back) in the process. Join a club, take art or music lessons, volunteer — these are all places where you can expand your network and find new people. From there, let destiny do its thing, perhaps?
What advice can you give to Not so Jack’d and Mr. Badly Wanting to Move On? Comment and share them below.
About The Pinoy Babbler: The Pinoy Babbler is a social media manager by day, and a superhero by night. CHAR. I love LGBT-themed novels, movies and series, and I cover LGBT issues and news. I also dream of someday being able to produce any of those. Read more of my personal interests and nonsense at thepinoybabbler.com.