What happens when a male 22-year-old virgin asks the internet for hookup advice?

by Pacifiqa Staff

 

“I’m a 22-year-old virgin Filipino guy who has had no girlfriend since birth.”

A certain mikelfaraday recently started a thread called “(NSFW) How filipinos do hookups?” on Reddit Philippines, and what you just read was his opening spiel. Now, you’re probably thinking, “That is one sic title!” but if we’re all being honest here, hookup culture isn’t something we talk about in the open. So thank you mikelfaraday, for opening this up in the riskless, anonymous world of Reddit. For those who don’t know what Reddit is, it’s an online community where users can discuss any topic they choose.

TL;DR: mikelfaraday asked the interwebz for dating advice because who else should you ask for wise words but strangers with dodgy usernames?

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Like most smartphone-wielding millennials today, Mikel (from now on, let’s call him that) got curious about the dating app Tinder. He downloaded it on his phone and went on a swiping spree until he racked up 400 matches. Yes, 400 matches.

For the record, Mikel described himself as a 5’8” attractive graduating engineering student. (But he later on says he’s your average “pwede na” guy, after someone assumed he probably has underwear-model good looks to account for his 400 Tinder matches.) Now, what we all want to know is: Why is Mikel, who is attractive and educated, still single?

Admit it, singletons: You love to contemplate the reasons for your singlehood. But Mikel, like any good scientist, tried to get to the root of the problem by laying out the reasons that could explain why he’s never had a girlfriend:

One, he’s been into video games since he was a kid.

Two, he was spoiled by his parents.

And three, he doesn’t really socialize and go out of his house.

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The one and only time Mikel has ever been to a club was four years ago. The experience was positively traumatizing. Although, to be fair, the events which he described don’t really cover what happens inside a typical yuppie club in Metro Manila. (Perhaps that has something to do with the fact that the establishment, located in Calamba, Laguna, was called “Cyclone.”) Among the events inside the club:  A girl went on stage and stripped down, and people started yelling “take it off! take it off!” He has never been to a club since.

When it comes to the intricate details of “hooking up,” Mikel was quite puzzled. After all, there are no set rules on hooking up. As he honestly detailed in his view of how it’s supposed to go: “I thought it only meant meet-ups, but I learned it means a one night stand so I got curious…How does it differ from what I know, which is crush then ligaw then girlfriend.”

So was Reddit able to help Mikel in his female pursuit? And how quickly would he heed the internet’s advice? In a lucky string of events, an offer appeared:

“Tayo na lang! Eng’g din ako!” said one user.

The crowd quickly cheered him on, “Now kiss,” commented one. “Wit wiw. Go on OP,” added another, referring to Mikel as OP, or original poster.

The response, though, fell short. In his disbelief, “wow seryoso?” was all Mikel could muster.

“Why not? Though wala ata ako sa range ng gusto mo,” said the fellow engineering student, referring to the standards Mikel outlined in his requirements for women.

To further highlight just how new all of this was to Mikel, and the general ambiguity in understanding online messages, this was his response: “I don’t know what to say, I was never approached by a woman like this before LOL.”

And as quickly as the offer came, the fellow engineering student was gone.

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Asked about this experience, this is what Mikel had to say: “We actually talked privately, and she was also upset that other comments seemed to mock her, and she even apologized for sounding desperate.”

If you’re in the same dire circumstances as Mikel (i.e. you’re as single as a post), then by all means, read on for the advice redditors bestowed upon him. Otherwise, you can still keep reading because you’re about to come across some brain-melting advice that might improve or ruin your dating life.

Reddit user destinythrowaway123’s “How to win a girl on Tinder,” a proper listicle, should be read verbatim because it is gold. Some tidbits of wisdom, slightly edited for easier reading:

1. message em up! the more the better! don’t say just a motherfucking ‘hi’ that’s beta as fuck OP! actually take a time to see their profile pic, naka shades ba? maaraw ba? naka talikod? background beach? sample (nasa beach) say: bora nanaman! yuk! ganda sand pero jologs!
2. wait for defensive / interesting reply. continue from there, you look interesting enough. kwento mo yung time na nag reddit ka at nabasa mo to.
3. make yaya outside. cuz pitches like activities and pitches likes food. e.g. icecream tayo!…
4. wag masyado seryoso sa icecream date. be playful. kung maubusan ng things to talk. pansinin mo paligid mo, pansinin mo sya. i usually say “wow nag ayos ka tlga for me ah?? hahaha (with a fucking smile)” yes its stupid OP. pero right after, say to her “you look perfect by the way.” = insta wet
5. kung walang sparks ditch the pitch. next date sa tinder. move on. same sa vidya, change game kung sabaw ang laro
6. BE ALPHA, bago matulog sabihin mo “ALPHA AKO 10X” kung kulang do another 10

Destinythrowaway seemed like an expert on Tinder affairs. But after everything, he revealed that he didn’t really find his special someone on the dating app: “Tinder makes you a shallow person, but who cares?”

On the other side of the reddit spectrum, people advised Mikel to tread the well-worn path of courtship (“crush, ligaw, then girlfriend,” as he himself said) in order to find love. Screw Tinder, the redditors said.

Mikel’s post struck such a chord with the online community that he received over 100 comments, most offering some type of advice.

“I was overfed by information but I find some of them helpful, like places to bring someone,” said Mikel, in an interview.

“But what I feel that’s really helpful was a change of lifestyle. I mean, obviously, I won’t find someone if I’m always inside my house and playing video games. They encouraged me to be confident.”