11 ways to fire up your sex life: mind-blowing tips from Quiapo vendors

by Jon Christoffer Obice

(Jon Christoffer Obice/ Pacifiqa)

 

Right in front of the centuries-old Quiapo Church, vendors sell dildos, pornographic DVDs, exotic aphrodisiacs, sex boosters like Viagra, and illegal herbal products like pampalaglag.

These items may be black market goods, but customers with “bed problems” surreptitiously flock to these fly-by-night drugstores.

The people who sell these items are not registered Ob-Gyn’s. They aren’t sex columnists for Cosmopolitan. But when it comes to practical yet out-of-this-world advice, they might just be helpful sex gurus.

These vendors don’t just prescribe aphrodisiacs to make their customers happy. Sometimes the job’s about helping their customers save a failing marriage.

 

 

‘May asim pa’ at 56

Aling Celia has been selling herbal products near Quiapo Church since 1990. Like her customers, she has bed problems too.  At 56, she is no longer the “entertaining wife” she used to be. In her prime years, she and her husband used to watch pornographic movies and mimic the roles of the actors. Now, it takes a lot more than porn for Aling Celia to be in the mood for sex. 

As she recalls, the last time she had noteworthy sex was at 45. In a decade of drought, Aling Celia still showers “rain” at times. In Tagalog, “may asim pa.” But when temptation starts to pour in, Aling Celia just thinks of her husband as a sibling (therefore, inappropriate to sleep with) and makes love to an imaginary man in her dreams instead.

Her kainitan years might be over, but now Aling Celia is happy just giving advice to customers with bed problems.

 

In lieu of Viagra, use titi ng buwaya

• Viagra is a popular remedy for impotence but it has been banned in the Philippines. For those who want an alternative remedy and a kickass after-taste, maybe the titi ng buwaya or crocodile’s penis can help. Boil it in water and take it three times a day.
• Aling Celia doesn’t sell it because of its scarcity, but she said it might be available upon a customer’s request in a store named “Ifugao.” This exotic aphrodisiac is not popular yet, but for a few users, it has helped their junior “stand and deliver.”

 

Buto ng kamansa for unfaithful husbands

 

• A woman in her early 30s approached Aling Celia and asked for buto ng kamansa. The woman said, “Ayaw kasing tumigil eh, lagot sa’kin ‘yun.” Aling Celia explained that buto ng kamansa is popular among worried wives. The buto ng kamansa, a seed bearing three brown seedlings, is peeled and crushed with a mortar until it turns into a fine powder.
• The wife scatters the powder under the pocket of her husband’s underwear and irons it so the powder won’t be noticeable. Upon wearing his underwear, the husband’s testicles will start to swell and will become reddish. For some wives, it’s a secret way of exacting revenge on unfaithful husbands. And if the wife feels guilty for causing her husband’s namamagang bayag, the remedy is coconut oil.

 

‘Wag uminom

• “Bumababa ang hormones ng lalaki kapag nagbibisyo. Nababawasan ‘yung tigas,” Aling Celia said. (Testosterone levels fall if you drink. [Hence the term “whiskey dick.”]) 
• More words from Aling Celia: If you want to go for an all-nighter with your wife, quit your vices. Don’t drink, don’t smoke, and don’t do drugs.

 

‘Wag ma-pressure kung ‘di mo kaya’

• Men can still arrive at orgasms even at 80. But when women reach their Golden 50s, their libido starts to dip on a denouement. Sometimes Aling Celia still feels a “surge” deep down as if she’s a teenage girl. But after a tiresome day, she no longer has the energy to sleep with her husband.
• A dead bedroom can result to a failed marriage. But for old-age couples, sex becomes an option rather than a need. And it pays to have an understanding husband.
• “Idadaan mo na lang sa panaginip. Nag-i-imagine na lang ako na magkaulayaw kami ng asawa ko. Bakit ipe-pressure mo sarili mo kung wala na talaga? Respeto, magtatagal kayo kung talagang nagkakaunawaan kayo.” (Use your imagination. Why should you pressure yourself if you can’t perform? Respect and understanding will go a long way.)

 

The practical wife

The outskirts of Quaipo Church is still lined with vendors selling herbal products and tarot card-readers. But for Aling Lani, it’s an unfair stereotype: Quiapo Church is no longer the hub of aphrodisiacs and illegal medicinal products. She believes in practicality rather than following superstitions when it comes to her sex life.

At 47, Aling Lani is still happily married to her Filipino-Chinese husband of 30 years. Typical among OFW families, Aling Lani and her husband share a long-distance relationship. But when her husband comes home, Aling Lani makes sure they have a good time together.

When her husband came home for 28 days in 2012, they made love for 28 straight days. They even checked-in a hotel for a week. It was like their second honeymoon, except she was 44 and he was 57.

Health complications may restrict aging couples from having regular intercourse, but Aling Lani believes this isn’t an excuse to not make love like newly-weds.  

Here is a list of practical bedroom advice from Aling Lani:

 

Avoid using sex-boosters, e.g. pilik-mata ng kambing

• The pilik-mata ng kambing, or a goat’s eyelash, is attached to a small rubber band worn on the head of the penis during intercourse, so that women would feel a ticklish sensation in the highly sensitive portions of their vagina.
• “Nakakatakot ‘yung ganun kasi pa’no kung maiwan sa loob ng babae ‘yung pilik-mata? Dapag maging confident ka sa sarili mo na pasayahin ang asawa mo. ‘Di mo kailangang gumamit ng mga gan’to.” (It’s scary to use this thing: What if you leave it inside your wife? You have to be confident and rely on your own skills.)

 

‘Just relax’

• When a 21-year-old customer who couldn’t maintain an erection asked for Viagra, Aling Nena told him: “Hindi ka naman pangit, bakit ‘di ka bilib sa sarili mo? Just relax. Ipaliwanag mo [sa girlfiend mo] kung ano ang kakayahan mo.” (You’re not ugly. Why don’t you believe in yourself? Just relax. Tell your girlfriend what you can and cannot do.)

 

Have some respect. Don’t indulge in porn and online sex.

• When her husband once asked her for a “Skype session,” she dismissed it. And when he watched porn while they were doing it, she walked out. Sex is still a privilege done out of respect. Why do it online when you could do it in the flesh with your significant other?

• “Nakakabastos. Bilang asawa dapat nandun pa rin ‘yung respetuhan niyo. Magkaroon ka ng tiwala sa sarili mong katawan. Gawin mo ang nararapat.” (You should never lose respect for each other. Have faith in your own abilities.)

 

Discover weak spots

• While women are expected by Philippine society to be conservative, the bedroom is a place to be your natural self. Discover new “weak spots” and ticklish portions of your husband’s body. Instead of taking orders from him, why not be the Joan of Arc in your sensual combat? Stimulate other sensitive portions, try the “69,” or do a “standing ovation” if you feel like it. 
• “Humanap ka ng ritwal na mas hihigit pa sa ginagawa niyo dati.” (Find new ways to add spice to your routine.)

 

‘Once na dinilaan o kinain ka ng asawa mo, mahal ka niya’

• “Once na dinilaan o kinain ka ng asawa mo, meaning mahal ka niya at hindi siya nandidiri sa’yo.” (Once your husband goes down on you, that means he’s really into you.)

 

‘Kung marunong kang maglinis, kakainin ka ng asawa mo’

• Men just shake off their alaga after urinating, but for women, cleaning up takes more than just wiping off with tissue paper. Keep it trimmed and clean, ladies:

“Kapag umihi ka, hindi puwedeng punas at tissue lang, dapat maghugas ka. Kasi hindi ka man kagandahan at hindi ka man ka-sexy-han, ‘pag marunong kang maglinis ng part na ‘yun, kakainin at kakainin ka ng asawa mo. ‘Yun ang pinakabentahe mo. Kapag nakita ng asawa mo na pinapabayaan mo vagina mo, papalitan ka.” 

(Wash yourself down there. Even if you’re not pretty or sexy, if you know how to keep it clean, he’ll go down on you. That’s your asset. If you don’t take care of your vagina, he might just replace you.)

 

Don’t be a hypocrite

• While it’s taboo in Filipino culture for a woman to openly profess her sexual desires, there’s no harm in expressing sexuality while still being true to societal codes of decency. 
• “Para dun sa mga nagsasabing, ‘hindi kasi ako pumapatol sa asawa ko,’ imposible ‘yan. Magkakaroon ka ba ng 10 anak kung ‘di ka pumapatol? Magiging hipokrita ka pa eh ginagawa naman ng mga mag-asawa ‘yan.” (For women who say they don’t indulge their husband’s sexual urges, stop denying it. How can it be true if you already have 10 children? Sex is a natural thing that happens between couples.)

A popular line from a film written by Ricky Lee says, “Ang mundo ay isang malaking Quiapo.” To survive the chaos, it won’t hurt to heed advice from the lady vendors of Quiapo. 

Who knows? You might just thank them later.